Family life without sex: how romantic a sexual live

They fall in love, marry, and become loving spouses. They can be caring and loyal. But there is one BUT: they don't need sex. They are ready to do it a couple of times a year or not at all - and the lack of attraction does not prevent them from loving their partner. The confessions of a romantic asexual and his wife are commented on by experts.

Among the appeals to psychologists and letters from readers, we often come across questions about partnerships or marital relationships in which there is love, but no sex. Someone asks what to do if one person in a couple wants sex, but the other does not. Someone is happy with everything, but the thought is gnawing, is it normal if many films and books in the minds have consolidated the idea that living without sex is unnatural.

We understand that people can feel desire without love - sex can be anonymous, business, manipulative, self-serving, and whatever else. But is physical attraction to a person necessary for romantic feelings to arise?

Even 10 years ago, sexologists would have said yes, says psychology professor Ritch Savin-Williams. But the latest research confirms that this is not entirely true.

Asexuals are people who are not sexually attracted to anyone. It is not a personal choice, like celibacy, and has nothing to do with orientation. For many, only relatively recently it has become a part of self-identification; there are communities of such people on the Internet where they talk about themselves and can get support from those who understand them. They are all different and many have families.

REVELATION

Oleg

“I fell in love with my wife when we were 28 years old. I was still a virgin and she was not. We met for a long time, and Marina even called me old-fashioned, because she did not drag her to bed. But in the end everything happened with us, and it was very romantic, on vacation in the mountains. Then we started living together. I felt so good with her, falling in love turned into a deep, serious feeling. But I didn't want sex.

“There” everything works, the problems are not in health. I just really don't need to. Marina was offended, took it personally. But I didn't want her - I didn't want sex. We have been living for 10 years, physical intimacy happens two or three times a year. Talk about it stopped long ago, and I consider our marriage to be harmonious. "

Marina

“Actually, we have good sex, Oleg is sensitive and caring. But everything so quickly turned into the “once every six months” phase - I did not understand what was the matter. It was very annoying. She was angry, offended. But she was not ready to change and was not drawn to anyone else. In general, it is very difficult: to live with a loved one and not be able to fully be with him, connect, feel like a woman in closeness with a man. I tried to talk, but the conversation added more tension. And is it possible to persuade someone to want ?!

In general, I began to read about this topic and stumbled upon the asexual community. I thought - probably Oleg is one of those. And then it was not his decision, he was born that way. I can either accept it or leave it. But in all other respects we have a good relationship. He is calm, very level-headed and accepts me with my character. I got used to this idea for six months, if not more.

I did not understand whether I fully agree to such conditions. The body has adjusted, and physically I do not suffer from dissatisfaction. I even feel safe or something. From the very beginning I knew for sure that the person loves me, and not just sees in me a sex object, as it happened with others before. But emotionally, I still want him! "

STUDY

A recent project by Amy Antonsen and her colleagues pooled data from seven previous studies that interviewed more than 4,000 participants. Among those who identified themselves as asexual, almost 75% answered that they have romantic feelings for others, but do not feel the desire to have sex with them.

The respondents were divided into 2 groups: romantic asexuals and non-romantic asexuals. If the latter, in principle, did not feel the need for physical intimacy and rarely fell in love, then the former did not completely abandon sex and were capable of love and deep affection.

Romantic asexuals could have children, have solitary sexual desires, they were engaged in self-satisfaction, they had fewer sexual dysfunctions, and sexual fantasies arose. Thus, research has proven that romantic feelings arise even when there is no desire to make love.

EXPERT OPINION

Gurgen Khachaturyan, psychotherapist

I really like the statement of Sigmund Freud on this topic: "Sexual deviation can only be considered a complete absence of sex, everything else is a matter of taste." In my opinion, sexual desire refers to the basic functions of the body and its absence rather indicates dysfunction of one of the systems that are responsible for this.

But since relationships are built on many pillars, provided that the other aspects can compensate for the lack of sexual desire, everything may well work out. But one must be prepared for the fact that the second partner is likely to experience discomfort in such a relationship, and try to ensure that the lack of sexual desire does not lead to the development or strengthening of feelings of inferiority or a decrease in self-esteem. It is important here to negotiate on the shore and honestly talk about yourself in order to protect your partner from possible emotional trauma.

Ksenia Kukoleva, psychologist

Rare sex does not necessarily mean there is a problem. It is more important how the spouses relate to this. In addition, sexual relations are not only the sexual act itself, but also hugs, kisses, flirting, special gestures and words exchanged between partners. For a long time, sex was a taboo topic, so now, when people talk about it a lot and frankly, some conclude: if they don't feel the desire every day, then something is wrong with them. Everyone has their own temperament, which means that the need for lovemaking is different, and passionate regular sex is not always a guarantee of a happy union.