I want sex, but I don't want my loved one

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, and both realized that during sex we never had passion as such. We have been friends for a long time, I love him very much, and he is me. But I don't want him. Physically, I want sex, and, in principle, it satisfies me (not counting the pain during intimacy and lack of orgasm), but I do not feel feelings and emotions. We almost broke up recently because of this, but realized that we couldn't let go of each other like that, because we love.

Probably the problem is in my head. I no longer know who to turn to. I really don't want to part with a guy because of this. But I don't want to live like that all my life either. I want to experience feelings and emotions, I want to WANT my boyfriend. With my ex, this was not, I wanted him. I don't know what to do about it. I have never encountered such a thing.

Anya, 23 years old

Wanting to want is an impossible task. The very formulation of the question implies its impossibility. After all, we have little influence on desires, their appearance or disappearance, usually this happens by itself.

Try to force yourself to want, for example, food you don’t eat, or wear clothes in a color you hate. It is pointless to demand from yourself, you have no control over your instincts, and this is normal.

Let me give you a couple of unrealizable wishes - for example, when one person says to another: "Be spontaneous!" And then, whatever a person does after that, it will no longer be spontaneous, but controlled and purposeful. And there is no purposeful spontaneity.

Likewise, the message “I want you to make decisions and take responsibility for your life upon yourself” is impracticable, because the one who speaks has already taken responsibility and indicates what to do to the other.

In short, attempts to control their desires and direct them, based on their own ideas, in the "right" direction, usually end in nothing. All you can do is stop wanting it from yourself and trust your impulses more. Desire not from the "head", but from the "body", because it is he who gets sex.

Another point I would suggest you notice is trying to take full responsibility for sex you don't like. This is a voluntary, contact and reciprocal process. You write that a man seems to satisfy you, but you feel pain, lack of orgasm and emotions during intimacy. Where does sex satisfy you then? What does your boyfriend do: is he checked against your desire for sex and level of arousal, is he sure that he is doing what pleases you, is it important for him that you feel good?

It so happens that in the letter you take on all responsibility, reduce it to the problem in your head. It is completely natural not to want sex with a specific person. But you try to convince yourself that there is a problem and that it is with you, not between you. It is amazing.

It's even more amazing to have sex without wanting it. This violence, possibly self-violence, depending on whether you say "no" or peacefully agree to something that hurts you in the process, and at the end you will not have an orgasm.

What to do? If the young man and the closeness with him do not yet cause sustained bodily disgust, you can talk with your partner and together look for ways to make you feel good in sex. Maybe it's a matter of speed and you need more time to get excited. Maybe more of your initiative, or you will come to using sex toys. I do not know exactly what is going wrong, but I think that everything can be discussed and solutions are sought.

Well, if, nevertheless, you do not like intimacy with him and you do not want it, then it is possible to discuss various forms of relationships that you will try to organize in such a way as to find comfort. It can be a friendship or a relationship of a couple, but with open boundaries.

It is not so much the correct ready-made answers that are important here, but the readiness for dialogue and the ability to negotiate and experiment.

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